If you grew up on Saturday morning cartoons, you probably think of Saint Bernards as heroic canines willing to risk intense weather conditions to bring bourbon to avalanche victims while they wait for rescue to arrive. But, the media lies.

Saint Bernards are not saints and are, in fact, opportunistic sex offenders. This cute British woman found that out the hard (very hard) way.

Witness & learn:

If you’ve been a loyal reader of this site, you know by now that animals hate us and want to kill us. But, did you know they also want to make us look sexually inferior to our mates?

When was the last time you fucked your partner on a moving vehicle?

Just listen to how the women in the car react. These baboons just showed up their boyfriends.

I am not an animal sympathizer, but what male has not experienced this in their life? And, you know how elephants are with memory. That bitch is never gonna let him forget about this.

That said, this is another example as to why parents should never allow their kids to visit the zoo.

Enemy conspirators Stephen Fry and zoologist Mark Carwardine recently traveled to New Zealand in search of an endangered, flightless parrot known as the Kakapo. But, rather than killing the bird and serving him up with a side of veggies and mash potatoes, the men simply aimed to document the rare parrot for the world to experience and appreciate.

What the world experienced, however, was a cold dose of reality as the Kakapo proceeded to brutally rape Carwardine’s head.

The Kakapo’s ‘O’ face is pretty scary. Can you imagine the vulgar things it would have said to Carwardine if it could speak like other parrots?

Every year, thousands of parents allow school teachers to take their children to aquariums to be brainwashed with propaganda about the wonders of ocean life. They will be mislead to believe that whales must be saved, that dolphins are as smart as humans, and that it is wrong to chop off a shark’s fins to make soup to enhance the libidos of Japanese men.

They will also be exposed to perverted animal behavior. Take a look at this walrus as it sucks itself shamelessly:

Parents, i beseech you to think twice before signing that field trip slip. Otherwise, you may one day walk in on your son blowing himself like there’s no tomorrow … unless he’s Japanese (they’re hung like gnats).

Enemy conspirators like PETA would have you believe that dogs are man’s best friends. But, would your best friend attempt to rape your grandmother? Even my worst buddies wouldn’t do such a horrendous thing. Hell, my friends won’t even open my fridge without asking for permission, let alone pound my granny.

The media loves to show dogs in a positive light—guiding the blind, catching a Frisbee, pulling a sled through an arctic blizzard. But, dog rape is something everyone keeps hidden in the closet. Don’t be a victim. If you must own a dog, chop its nuts off and beat it with a newspaper three times a day to keep it subdued.