Minister Rick Oliver has not slept well since he pissed God off and got struck by lightning in 2006. As a result, the 51-year-old man-of-faith often gets through the restless nights toiling around his 17-acre farm near Raleigh, N.C.

At 2 a.m. on June 3, Oliver was working on his Chevy Malibu when he heard noise and foolishly decided to investigate. A young black bear struck him to the ground with a single blow.

I heard this strange huffing and the next thing I know, I had been run over and stepped on by a bear.

According to Oliver, he bled like a “hose” from a particularly deep cut to his wrist, one that doctors could not immediately sew up. The bear was not caught and remains at large.

Oliver blames leftovers “from lunch in a bag up on the top step” as the most likely reason for the bear to have found its way to his home. But, we all know he probably just pissed God off again.

What is the sound of one hand clapping? Tampa, Florida resident Joseph Cannistra almost found out when a five-foot gator ambushed him outside his Land O’ Lakes home. The 38-year-old expectant father and his girlfriend Tamara Smith had just returned from their coed baby shower, when the couple’s 2 1/2-year-old pitbull mix Zeus ran outside their home and into the backyard. It was past midnight so a concerned Cannistra foolishly stepped outside to retrieve his pet, clueless to the fact that his dog was setting him up.

Cannistra told the St. Petersburg Times:

I was clapping my hands. The second time I clapped, I couldn’t take my hands apart. The next thing I know, I was getting chomped. If it was someone with dandy hands, they would have been in trouble.

The attack injured several fingers on Cannistra’s left hand and took skin off his right. He received 34 stitches and bucket-loads of pain killers.

While it is possible that God is punishing Cannistra for living in sin with his knocked up girlfriend, chances are that residing in a home next to a large nature preserve was a disaster waiting to happen. No word yet on whether the couple is aware of Zeus’ role in the crime.