Seven teens who were part of a wilderness survival course near Denali National Park in Alaska proved that—despite all their fancy book learning and Animal Planet marathon watching—they were not smarter than the average bear.

The boys were walking down by a creek when a female grizzly ambushed them, first striking the group’s fearless leader Joshua Berg, a 17-year-old New Yorker. Berg tried valiantly to intimidate the beast by yelling “Bear! Bear!” like a little schoolgirl that wet her frilly pink panties.

His second in command, Sam Gottsegen of Denver (also 17), employed a different survival tactic: he ran for his young stupid life. Unfortunately, bears can run faster than most non-black people and so Gottsegen was quickly brought down by the furry killing-machine.

Shane Garlock, the unhurt member of the group who did absolutely nothing to help his friends as they were being mauled, recalls the horrific ordeal vividly. He tells the Associated Press that he can still hear the screams:

The screaming that I could hear from my friends and the growls from the bear, which were loud and deep, and the screams, which were hopeless screaming, and I can still hear it in my head.

Of course, that could be bullshit. What else is that kid gonna say—that every night he thanks his lucky stars that he didn’t fancy himself the Jeff Corwin of the group and decided to hang towards the back, hence sparing himself the knowledge of what it’s like to be a salmon?

But, no matter how retarded these kids are, we really should place blame on their parents for allowing them to go off to the Alaskan wilderness to play with killers instead of just telling them to watch Survivor on CBS and to like, I don’t know, date girls?

A study published in the Journal of Wildlife Management reveals that fatal black bear attacks on humans have been on the rise since 1960 and have nothing to do with mama bears protecting their cubs from careless hikers as bleeding heart animal sympathizers would have you believe.

The truth is that 92 percent of deadly bear attacks were carried out by predatory lone males looking to feed on innocent, picnic-loving humans.

The study states:

Lone male black bears hunting people as a potential source of food are a greater cause of deadly maulings and related predatory attempts.

Florida teen Kendrick Williams credits his baggy pants for saving his life from a vicious alligator attack earlier this week. The 17-year-old was walking home from work Monday evening when a seven-foot gator snapped at his leg.

Williams tells ABC Action News:

I heard the hiss, and then I looked down and I seen the alligator on the ground. I ran. I didn’t look back.

The gator’s teeth ripped into the fabric of Williams’ over-sized pants, allowing him to flee without so much as a scratch.

The boy’s mother Tanita Murray said:

That was the advantage of wearing baggy pants that day. It’s dangerous. If a toddler had been standing there, it (the alligator) would have bit his neck or head.

Indeed, it was lucky that Williams sags his pants. Now, he can die in a drive-by like a normal black boy his age.

A fat Mexican was bitten by a baby bull shark he caught while crossing  the Rio Grande to get into Texas. OK, I made that last part up. You can thank me for the idea later, U.S. Border Patrol.

I’m kidding, of course. I’d rather live in a state overrun by Tejano music and street soccer than to see any human hurt by an animal.

Take a look at the vid:

A five-year-old Pit Bull and German Shepherd mix mauled an 18-month old baby girl this week in Palm Beach, Florida when she got too close to its food bowl. The girl was rushed to the Delray Medical Center to be treated for a collapsed lung and broken ribs.

The attack marks the second time the dog had attacked a human and proves that the girl’s parents hate her deeply. Why else would they expose their baby to a vicious killer? In an effort to avoid child endangerment charges, the dog owners have agreed to euthanize the animal.

Nearly five million people are bitten by dogs every year. If you’re a parent who despises their child, please do the humane thing and toss it in a dumpster where someone will eventually hear its cries and take it to an orphanage.

Professional abalone diver Peter Clarkson was brutally murdered by not one, but two Great White sharks off the coast of South Australia in the ominous waters of Coffin Bay on Feb. 17. Clarkson, who had already survived a brush with a Great White back in August, had often spoke of his fear of being attack while swimming to the ocean’s surface with his prized catch.

Maybe it was his reported love for diving or the fact that he could earn up to $100,000 in 55 days for collecting abalone, but the 50-year-old Clarkson foolishly ignored his fears and was taken while coming up to his boat. Skipper Howard Rodd witnessed the ferocious attack on his little buddy.

He told rescue officers:

I saw the beast come up and take him. There’s no way he could have survived.

Supposed experts claim tag-team shark attacks, especially in cases involving Great Whites, are 10-million-to-one. But, considering a surfer was mauled by two of the apex predators in 2004 off the coast of Gracetown, those experts appear to be full of shit.

Clarkson is believed to have been utilizing a SharkShield deterrent while diving on the day of his murder, proving that such devices are no substitute for common fucking sense. His body has not be found.

The abalone industry brings in over $50 million to South Australia every year.

The following is a record of shark attacks down under:

* August 17, 2010: A 31-year-old man died from serious injuries after a shark attacked him while he was surfing near Gracetown in Western Australia’s southwest.

* December 27, 2008: Fisherman Brian Guest, 51, taken by a great white while snorkelling at Port Kennedy in Perth’s south. His son and beachgoers saw the shark attack and swim off with him in its mouth.

* April 8, 2008: A 16-year-old boy from Wollongbar killed by a shark while bodyboarding off Ballina’s Lighthouse Beach on the NSW north coast.

* January 7, 2006: Sarah Kate Whiley, 21, mauled by up to three bull sharks while swimming in waist-deep water with friends at Amity Point, off south-east Queensland’s North Stradbroke Island.

* August 24, 2005: Marine biologist Jarrod Stehbens, 23, taken by a shark, believed to be a white pointer, while diving for cuttlefish eggs with colleagues off Adelaide’s Glenelg Beach.

* March 19, 2005: Geoffrey Brazier, 26, attacked by a six-metre shark, believed to be a great white, as he snorkelled near the Abrolhos Islands, off Geraldton, 500km north of Perth.

* December 16, 2004: Nick Peterson, 18, killed instantly when attacked by a great white shark as he was towed behind a boat on a surfboard 300 metres off Adelaide’s popular metropolitan West Beach.

* December 11, 2004: Mark Thompson, 38, attacked by a shark while spear fishing with two friends at Opal Reef, about 75km from Cairns in north Queensland. He died from a cardiac arrest soon after the attack.

* July 10, 2004: Brad Smith, 29, attacked by two sharks, believed to be a great white and a large bronze whaler, as he surfed near Gracetown in Western Australia’s south-west.

* February 8, 2003: Bob Purcell, 84, attacked by a 2.5 metre bull whaler while swimming in Burleigh Lake on the Gold Coast in Queensland.

* December 16, 2002: Beau Martin, 23, attacked while swimming in Miami Lake on the Gold Coast in Queensland.

* April 30, 2002: Scallop diver Paul Buckland, 23, dragged from a mate’s arms by a six-metre white pointer while trying to get on board a boat in Smoky Bay in the Great Australian Bight, South Australia.

My only goal in running this blog is to save lives. There’s a revolution taking place. Every day we lose our brothers and sisters and children to vicious animal-on-human hate crimes. The press usually swallows and regurgitates the propaganda animal sympathizers feed them, blaming people for moving into what they call wildlife terrain.

This justification has always been offensive and unacceptable to those of us who know that the good Lord gave us dominion over the animals upon creating the earth, giving us the freedom to tear down forests and jungles to build mini-malls if we so fucking desire. Of course, like Jesus, I am often met with resistance when preaching the truth.

But, now, the mainstream media is finally picking up on what I’ve been saying all along: animals hate us and they’re trying to kill us. ABC News is now warning people that attacks are on the rise. The network points out that tigers and even elephants are on a mission to wipe us out.

Look and learn:

If you’re in Palm Beach County and don’t fancy yourself chum, make sure you stay the fuck way from the ocean. Large numbers of Blacktip and Spinner sharks have migrated to the area in search of mullet schools and stupid swimmers.

Brent Winner, AKA: Captain Obvious of the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, warns:

If the water is murky and you see hundreds of sharks, you probably should stay out of the water. Even though they don’t eat people, the chance of being bitten is there.

According to the International Shark Attack File at the Florida, Palm Beach County ranks third in the state for shark attacks, with 59 attacks and no fatalities since the late 19^th century.

This poor little boy was just having a little fun with a lizard his ill informed parents had given him when he was brutally bitten on his finger.

Had his folks sold enough Slurpees to buy him a Wii instead of a dangerous animal this would never have happened:

Wildlife authorities handed out a death sentence to a 400-lbs. female grizzly bear after DNA evidence linked her to the murder of Kevin Kammer, a 48-year-old Michigan man taken while he slept at the Soda Butte Campground near Yellowstone National Park on Wednesday at 2 a.m. The grizzly was also found guilty of mauling 21-year-old Ronald Singer on the leg and Deb Freele on the arm. They too were sleeping in their tents.

Freele tells the Associated Press:

If it was something that I had done — if I had walked into a female with cubs and startled her, and she attacked me — I can understand that. She was hunting us, with the intention of killing us and eating us.

Fish, Wildlife and Parks Warden Capt. Sam Sheppard stated that the campers had done everything “right” in regards of locking away food in metal canisters. It was also noted that the grizzly displayed no signs of illness or starvation that would explain its rampage.

The grizzly’s three cubs will do time at a ZooMontana in Billings.