Wildlife authorities handed out a death sentence to a 400-lbs. female grizzly bear after DNA evidence linked her to the murder of Kevin Kammer, a 48-year-old Michigan man taken while he slept at the Soda Butte Campground near Yellowstone National Park on Wednesday at 2 a.m. The grizzly was also found guilty of mauling 21-year-old Ronald Singer on the leg and Deb Freele on the arm. They too were sleeping in their tents.

Freele tells the Associated Press:

If it was something that I had done — if I had walked into a female with cubs and startled her, and she attacked me — I can understand that. She was hunting us, with the intention of killing us and eating us.

Fish, Wildlife and Parks Warden Capt. Sam Sheppard stated that the campers had done everything “right” in regards of locking away food in metal canisters. It was also noted that the grizzly displayed no signs of illness or starvation that would explain its rampage.

The grizzly’s three cubs will do time at a ZooMontana in Billings.

Cathy Hayes, 49, and her brother-in-law Donald, 61, were the victims of a bison attack this week while visiting Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming. Cathy, a Utah school teacher, captured the vicious hate crime on video.

Take a look:

According to Cathy, her brother-in-law, a California native, had never seen a bison and was eager to get a closer look at the animal as it walked across a parking lot. Cathy claims a second group of tourists threw something at the massive beast, sending it into a rage.

I could hear him over me stomping and snorting and I just knew. I knew at that second that was it. You know, I thought, “This is going to be my last moment. It’s going to be in Yellowstone Park getting tromped by a buffalo.

Cathy survived the attack with large bruises and cuts. Donald broke his shoulder tripping over his own feet while attempting to run away. Cathy’s husband Jeff was unharmed as he had the smarts to stay seated inside their automobile safely. His heroic horn-honking saved the day as it spooked the bison.

The animal assailant remains at large.

What is wrong with today’s parents? Not only do they allow their attractive, scantily-clad, sexually-blossoming teen daughters to have unmonitored access to the web where any old creepy internet troll (present blogger and site visitors excluded of course) can leer at their YouTube videos, but—more alarmingly—continue to give them pets!

Bringing animals into the home is dangerous, even if they are babies. Every year there are thousands of cases where people are attacked by pets they believed were “part of the family.” Believe me, that cute puppy will grow to hate you and will one day try to kill you.

The warning signs are there. Just look:

Why do I get a feeling that these girls are just a peanut butter jar away from making an entirely different kind of video?

The good folks in West Milford, New Jersey almost missed out on celebrating our country’s independence yesterday thanks to one of nature’s most dangerous killing machines: a mama bear.

The female bruin had already attacked two people before it ambushed a hiker and his dog on June 24 in Norvin Green State Park. Fortunately, only the dog was injured during the attack and the man was able to run away.

Wildlife officials closed off the park and postponed the town’s fireworks display while they hunted the 188 lbs. beast.

The bear was finally caught on the evening of July 1st as it broke into a chicken coop at a house in West Milford. It was then discovered that she had three 6-month old cubs.

Department of Environmental Protection spokesman Lawrence Ragonese said:

We had two previous aggressive incidents with this bear, and when it was caught it was being aggressive again. It was euthanized.

Fourth of July festivities were allowed to proceed as scheduled much to the delight of the good people of West Milford.

Of course, I worry for those good people. The failure to execute the bruin’s baby cubs means they will grow into killers hellbent on avenging their dead mother.

Someone should have told Spanish matador Julio Aparicio that if you mess with the bull you get the horns.

The beloved bullfighter was gored through the throat while simply trying to entertain families during the Festival of Saint Isidro at the Plaza de Toros las Ventas in Madrid last week. Nearly 24,000 people witnessed in horror as a 1168 lb. bull ruined the festivities in a brutal display of calculated retribution.

One of Aparicio’s medics described the injury to Madrid’s AFP News:

The horn went though the tongue and penetrated the roof of the mouth, fracturing the jawbone.

The bull was rightfully put down for his crime.

Aparicio, who has since undergone surgeries to reconstruct his throat, mouth, and palate, returned this morning to intensive care due to infection.

Jesse Browning may be a star on the History Channel’s “Ax Men” reality show, but he sure as fuck isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. The famous logger’s love for dangerous dogs has delivered a fatal blow to his family.

Browning lost his 4-year-old stepdaughter on Feb. 28 when she was mauled to death by his pet rottweiler Cornelia, a 3-year-old, 80-pound female, at their home in Astoria, Oregon.

Criminal charges were not filed against Browning, but Cornelia and a 17-month-old, 104-pound rottie named Junior were euthanized following a three week investigation.

Clatsop County Sheriff Tom Bergin said:

We couldn’t absolutely say [Junior] hadn’t been involved, so for the family and local rules and state rules everybody just figured that would be the best thing [safetywise] to do, so both were put down.

This isn’t the first time one of Brownings dogs has attacked someone. Four months ago, another of his rottweilers attacked a family member and was also put down. Time to get a cat, genius.

Like women, homosexual males are notorious for being animal sympathizers. It’s easy to understand why. Gay men don’t hunt for sport or food. They don’t protect women from rodents and creepy crawlies. In most cases, the only animal they come in contact with are poodles and the chihuahuas they carry in their purses.

But, a recent animal-on-human attack may change their outlook. Many of you have probably seen or heard about the attack on the news. Australian weatherman and raging homosexual Steve Jacobs was attacked during his broadcast by a giant pelican.

Take a look:

Judging by Jacob’s hysterical cackling, he is obviously in shock. Let’s hope he and other gay people will start to see that animals hate us and want to kill us.

Martial arts teacher Gita Kolanad was no match for the young 400lb. lion brought in to pose with her for a magazine cover photo shoot.

Take a look:

Let’s be clear. This was no accident. There were many people in that room. The lion could have attacked anyone. But, he chose the martial artist. Why? Because animals are smart and will always target our strongest brothers and sisters.

This gamekeeper at Murchison Falls National Park in Uganda meant no harm to the 3 ton hippo that grazed on the grass nearby. In fact, the unassuming lad attempted to walked discreetly past the animal. But, unlike what the folks at Milton Bradley would have you believe, this hungry hippo was in no mood to play nice. The behemoth immediately gave chase.

Despite their enormous size, hippos can easily outrun humans and are one of the world’s most aggressive creatures. A hippo’s jaws can bite a crocodile in half.

Hippo attacks on humans and boats are common. If this man had not been black, he most likely would not have escaped the jaws of death.

A donkey has made an ass out of three people who may have “provoked” it in Augusta, GA. At least that’s what the media would have you believe.

Real donkeys are not like the ones you see in Shrek movies or “Winnie the Pooh” cartoons. In the wild, donkeys are violent and mule-headed, and like to have sex with hookers in Tijuana.