A Chicago man was run over and killed on the Tri-State Tollway after attempting to aid a family of very cute and fuzzy ducklings cross the busy interstate. He was hit by a limousine.

The man, identified as 38-year-old Naperville resident Edward Gardner, was driving with a female companion when he spotted the adorable little quackers and figured he could lockdown some anal by rescuing them (At least, I hope that was the reason).

Gardner was rushed to the Advocate Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge where he was pronounced dead and most likely laughed at.

A fat Mexican was bitten by a baby bull shark he caught while crossing  the Rio Grande to get into Texas. OK, I made that last part up. You can thank me for the idea later, U.S. Border Patrol.

I’m kidding, of course. I’d rather live in a state overrun by Tejano music and street soccer than to see any human hurt by an animal.

Take a look at the vid:

What is wrong with today’s parents? Not only do they allow their attractive, scantily-clad, sexually-blossoming teen daughters to have unmonitored access to the web where any old creepy internet troll (present blogger and site visitors excluded of course) can leer at their YouTube videos, but—more alarmingly—continue to give them pets!

Bringing animals into the home is dangerous, even if they are babies. Every year there are thousands of cases where people are attacked by pets they believed were “part of the family.” Believe me, that cute puppy will grow to hate you and will one day try to kill you.

The warning signs are there. Just look:

Why do I get a feeling that these girls are just a peanut butter jar away from making an entirely different kind of video?

If you’re like most people, you probably think these pictures are adorable. The image of a cute and cuddly baby polar bear playfully chomping at an adult human’s leg will most likely make you smile and coo. Why? Because you’re an idiot. The behavior that little baby polar bear is displaying is an act of aggression fueled by an instinct to kill humans.

Sure, it may look harmless now—but what happens when that cub grows big enough to rip your limbs off? Will it still be cute then? Is the following clip adorable?

Stay alert, people. Stay informed. Baby animals want to kill you just as much as adult animals.