Someone should have told Spanish matador Julio Aparicio that if you mess with the bull you get the horns.

The beloved bullfighter was gored through the throat while simply trying to entertain families during the Festival of Saint Isidro at the Plaza de Toros las Ventas in Madrid last week. Nearly 24,000 people witnessed in horror as a 1168 lb. bull ruined the festivities in a brutal display of calculated retribution.

One of Aparicio’s medics described the injury to Madrid’s AFP News:

The horn went though the tongue and penetrated the roof of the mouth, fracturing the jawbone.

The bull was rightfully put down for his crime.

Aparicio, who has since undergone surgeries to reconstruct his throat, mouth, and palate, returned this morning to intensive care due to infection.

Popularity: 11%

Jesse Browning may be a star on the History Channel’s “Ax Men” reality show, but he sure as fuck isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. The famous logger’s love for dangerous dogs has delivered a fatal blow to his family.

Browning lost his 4-year-old stepdaughter on Feb. 28 when she was mauled to death by his pet rottweiler Cornelia, a 3-year-old, 80-pound female, at their home in Astoria, Oregon.

Criminal charges were not filed against Browning, but Cornelia and a 17-month-old, 104-pound rottie named Junior were euthanized following a three week investigation.

Clatsop County Sheriff Tom Bergin said:

We couldn’t absolutely say [Junior] hadn’t been involved, so for the family and local rules and state rules everybody just figured that would be the best thing [safetywise] to do, so both were put down.

This isn’t the first time one of Brownings dogs has attacked someone. Four months ago, another of his rottweilers attacked a family member and was also put down. Time to get a cat, genius.

Popularity: 36%

Fishermen Steve McEwan, 50, and Craig Adams, 45, were nearly tossed into the St. Mary river at the Shady Camp barrage during a fishing expedition in the Northern Territory when a 13-foot salt water croc nearly jumped inside their boat while attempting to steal Adam’s 2-foot barramundi catch (See picture above).

Croc with barramundi bass

The Territory river is known for being home to the largest concentration of crocodiles, approximately 523 (as of 2007). Last year an 11-year-old girl was gobbled up by a saltie as she swam in the river with friends. Despite warnings,  tourists continue to swim and fish in the river.

Croc bait at Shady Camp barrage.

To read about more stupid tourists and Aussie crocs, go here.

Popularity: 13%

Lima, the 12-year-old Zebra that escaped from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus in Atlanta back in February, was sentenced to death this month for its crimes.

The monumental decision angered enemy conspirator group PETA, but brought a sense of closure to the motorists trapped in rush hour traffic during the 40-minute chase that would end with Lima’s capture on the Downtown Connector.

While statistics have shown that African equids are euthanized more frequently than white equids in the States, I do feel justice was served fairly.

Popularity: 6%

Nearly 300 rare and exotic birds were unexpectedly fried on Friday morning when a fire broke out at the Gilcrease Nature Sanctuary in Las Vegas. The sanctuary, which has been around since the ’70s, is estimating its loss at $2 million.

Facility director Sandra Salinas said:

Oscar Gilcrease was actually here and he heard the fire and the popping noise and he ran out and he tried to contain the fire. They called the fire department, but the wind picked it up and moved from one building to another.

For those keeping score: Man + 300, Birds – 0.

Popularity: 9%

This is video from Scotland where a seagull named Sam has been seen shoplifting bags of Tangy Cheesy Doritos just about every day.

Check out the evidence:

This bird has got some gall. It knows that people will think its actions are cute and not seek out justice. But, just remember this: Tangy Cheesy Doritos = tangy, cheesy bird shit on your car.

Popularity: 9%

I went out to dinner with friends last night and they insisted on taking me to a sushi restaurant. Like Toyota and homosexuals, eating sushi is a danger to the very fabric of American culture and not something I normally partake in. But, the economy is tough and you got to take your free dinners anywhere you can.

Now, yes, them Japs are friendly and polite when you walk into their establishments, but a smart American has got to ask, “What’s going on in the kitchen? What are those foreign fucks plotting back there?”

You gotta remember your history classes, people. We bombed those bastards … twice. Do you really think they care if you  have a delightful dining experience? Of course not! Those polite bastards are out for vengeance. They are going to nuke the shit out of your stomach.

Every year, millions of Americans get sick from eating poorly prepared sushi. It’s no accident, my friends.

But, let’s get one thing straight. As a whole, I love the Japanese people. They have earned my respect by bludgeoning dolphins to death off their coast lines. It’s those rogue sushi chefs that frighten me. They are in cahoots with the animals who want to kill us.

So, the next time you want to eat octopus, do like the I-talians do and fry it. Calamari never made anyone sick. For further encouragement, I have posted the following video:

Popularity: 24%

SeaWorld Orlando veteran trainer Dawn Brancheau was murdered Wednesday afternoon by a serial-killer whale named Tilikum. The brutal crime occurred at the park’s Shamu Stadium in front of hundreds of horrified visitors.

SeaWorld first claimed that Brancheau, who had worked at the park since 1994, had slipped into the orca tank, but have now admitted that the 12,000-pound whale took the 40-year-old trainer by her ponytail and dragged her into a watery grave.

According to witnesses, Tilikum tossed Brancheau around like a seal before viciously drowning her.

Brazilian tourist João Lúcio da Costa Sobrinho said he saw Brancheau’s body in the whales mouth, her face bloody.

He says:

It was terrible. It’s very difficult to see the image.

Park guest Victoria Biniak told news reporters:

The whale took off really fast, and then he came back around to the glass, jumped up, grabbed the trainer by the waist and started shaking her violently. The last thing we saw was her shoe floating.

While SeaWorld officials first insisted that Tilly was a good whale who kept to himself and paid her rent on time, investigators soon turned up the orca’s disturbing rap sheet.

In 1991, Tilly and two other whales attacked and murdered trainer Keltie Byrne in front of spectators at the now defunct Sealand of the Pacific aquarium in Victoria, Columbia. Tilly was sold to SeaWorld with the understanding that it would not be used as “display” whale, but only as a breeder.

The Killer knew its victim

Tilly was also responsible for the death of tourist Daniel Dukes at the Orlando SeaWorld. The incident was covered-up by SeaWorld officials who claimed that Dukes had jumped into the tank to swim with the whales.

The question this morning is: will Tilly finally be brought to justice? According to Sea World, the answer is no. Tilly will not be put down for the attacks.

Of course if a human coworker had shot Brancheau, everyone would be asking for justice and/or the death penalty. Tilly has proven time and time again that she is a remorse-less serial-killing machine that will not stop preying on humans.

It’s time to chop that bitch up and sell its remains to Revlon and other cosmetic companies.

Popularity: 8%

A 12-year-old Zebra named Lima carried out a daring escape from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus in Atlanta this afternoon during rush hour. The crafty zebra led its trainers and police on a 40-minute chase through downtown Atlanta and onto the interstate highway, clearly counting on rush hour traffic to aid in his getaway.

Witness Daniel Nance told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

All of a sudden a freaking zebra comes running down the street like a car. Five or six police cars were in hot pursuit. And a bunch of officers on foot.

Officers were able to block off the interstate lanes and finally capture Lima.

Circus spokeswoman Crystal Drake said:

It wasn’t on the highway very long. But it was an inconvenient time for this to happen because the downtown connector southbound usually gets backed up on its own, that time of day.

Inconvenient? Few things in life are as soul-sucking than getting stuck in traffic.

Check out the video:

To read the complete story, click here.

Popularity: 5%

If you’ve been a loyal reader of this site, you know by now that animals hate us and want to kill us. But, did you know they also want to make us look sexually inferior to our mates?

When was the last time you fucked your partner on a moving vehicle?

Just listen to how the women in the car react. These baboons just showed up their boyfriends.

Popularity: 6%