If you grew up on Saturday morning cartoons, you probably think of Saint Bernards as heroic canines willing to risk intense weather conditions to bring bourbon to avalanche victims while they wait for rescue to arrive. But, the media lies.

Saint Bernards are not saints and are, in fact, opportunistic sex offenders. This cute British woman found that out the hard (very hard) way.

Witness & learn:

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What is wrong with today’s parents? Not only do they allow their attractive, scantily-clad, sexually-blossoming teen daughters to have unmonitored access to the web where any old creepy internet troll (present blogger and site visitors excluded of course) can leer at their YouTube videos, but—more alarmingly—continue to give them pets!

Bringing animals into the home is dangerous, even if they are babies. Every year there are thousands of cases where people are attacked by pets they believed were “part of the family.” Believe me, that cute puppy will grow to hate you and will one day try to kill you.

The warning signs are there. Just look:

Why do I get a feeling that these girls are just a peanut butter jar away from making an entirely different kind of video?

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Jesse Browning may be a star on the History Channel’s “Ax Men” reality show, but he sure as fuck isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. The famous logger’s love for dangerous dogs has delivered a fatal blow to his family.

Browning lost his 4-year-old stepdaughter on Feb. 28 when she was mauled to death by his pet rottweiler Cornelia, a 3-year-old, 80-pound female, at their home in Astoria, Oregon.

Criminal charges were not filed against Browning, but Cornelia and a 17-month-old, 104-pound rottie named Junior were euthanized following a three week investigation.

Clatsop County Sheriff Tom Bergin said:

We couldn’t absolutely say [Junior] hadn’t been involved, so for the family and local rules and state rules everybody just figured that would be the best thing [safetywise] to do, so both were put down.

This isn’t the first time one of Brownings dogs has attacked someone. Four months ago, another of his rottweilers attacked a family member and was also put down. Time to get a cat, genius.

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Enemy conspirators like PETA would have you believe that dogs are man’s best friends. But, would your best friend attempt to rape your grandmother? Even my worst buddies wouldn’t do such a horrendous thing. Hell, my friends won’t even open my fridge without asking for permission, let alone pound my granny.

The media loves to show dogs in a positive light—guiding the blind, catching a Frisbee, pulling a sled through an arctic blizzard. But, dog rape is something everyone keeps hidden in the closet. Don’t be a victim. If you must own a dog, chop its nuts off and beat it with a newspaper three times a day to keep it subdued.

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