A Chicago man was run over and killed on the Tri-State Tollway after attempting to aid a family of very cute and fuzzy ducklings cross the busy interstate. He was hit by a limousine.

The man, identified as 38-year-old Naperville resident Edward Gardner, was driving with a female companion when he spotted the adorable little quackers and figured he could lockdown some anal by rescuing them (At least, I hope that was the reason).

Gardner was rushed to the Advocate Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge where he was pronounced dead and most likely laughed at.

Over 2000 albatross and other endangered bird species were killed at the Midway Atoll National Wildlife Refuge north-west of Hawaii by the tsunami wave that struck Japan last Friday.

The US Fish and Wildlife Service reports:

Waves reaching 5ft (1.5m) high smashed into the atoll just before midnight local time on 10 March and continued for the next few hours. The waves washed over 60% of Eastern Island, an islet of nearly 150 hectares (370 acres) inside the refuge. Tens of thousands of chicks were also killed. Thousands of Bonin petrels were buried alive.

Well, at least some good came out of Japan’s horrendous tragedy. But, let’s not celebrate just yet. Wisdom, the world’s oldest albatross, survived the waves.

What’s the big deal about one bird out of thousands? Wisdom (pictured above) is over 60 years old and has birthed and raised over 30 chicks in her lifetime. She, alone, could boost the albatross species significantly. Yea, it’s bad news. Are there such things as tsunami aftershocks? If so, maybe we’ll get lucky next time.

Smart parents already know not to buy potentially dangerous pets such as dogs, cats, and reptiles for their children this holiday season. But, what they may not know is that some animals are dangerous for reasons other than their ability to bite and scratch.

Take for instance birds, namely parrots. These often foul-mouthed feathered nuisances can end up teaching kids all the nasty names daddy calls mom when they’re fighting and/or fucking.

You’ve been warned:

Nearly 300 rare and exotic birds were unexpectedly fried on Friday morning when a fire broke out at the Gilcrease Nature Sanctuary in Las Vegas. The sanctuary, which has been around since the ’70s, is estimating its loss at $2 million.

Facility director Sandra Salinas said:

Oscar Gilcrease was actually here and he heard the fire and the popping noise and he ran out and he tried to contain the fire. They called the fire department, but the wind picked it up and moved from one building to another.

For those keeping score: Man + 300, Birds – 0.

This is video from Scotland where a seagull named Sam has been seen shoplifting bags of Tangy Cheesy Doritos just about every day.

Check out the evidence:

This bird has got some gall. It knows that people will think its actions are cute and not seek out justice. But, just remember this: Tangy Cheesy Doritos = tangy, cheesy bird shit on your car.

Like women, homosexual males are notorious for being animal sympathizers. It’s easy to understand why. Gay men don’t hunt for sport or food. They don’t protect women from rodents and creepy crawlies. In most cases, the only animal they come in contact with are poodles and the chihuahuas they carry in their purses.

But, a recent animal-on-human attack may change their outlook. Many of you have probably seen or heard about the attack on the news. Australian weatherman and raging homosexual Steve Jacobs was attacked during his broadcast by a giant pelican.

Take a look:

Judging by Jacob’s hysterical cackling, he is obviously in shock. Let’s hope he and other gay people will start to see that animals hate us and want to kill us.

Enemy conspirators Stephen Fry and zoologist Mark Carwardine recently traveled to New Zealand in search of an endangered, flightless parrot known as the Kakapo. But, rather than killing the bird and serving him up with a side of veggies and mash potatoes, the men simply aimed to document the rare parrot for the world to experience and appreciate.

What the world experienced, however, was a cold dose of reality as the Kakapo proceeded to brutally rape Carwardine’s head.

The Kakapo’s ‘O’ face is pretty scary. Can you imagine the vulgar things it would have said to Carwardine if it could speak like other parrots?

This Thanksgiving Day weekend, don’t forget to give thanks that it’s the bird that’s dead and cooked. After all, it could have been you or your kids!

This happened in a residential neighborhood. They’re coming onto our turf!

Turkeys aren’t afraid of our technology!

Even bikers aren’t safe!

This is scarier than Paranormal Activity (and shot just as well)

Turkeys may appear goofy, but they are an aggressive bird that won’t think twice about pecking your eyes out!