Seven teens who were part of a wilderness survival course near Denali National Park in Alaska proved that—despite all their fancy book learning and Animal Planet marathon watching—they were not smarter than the average bear.

The boys were walking down by a creek when a female grizzly ambushed them, first striking the group’s fearless leader Joshua Berg, a 17-year-old New Yorker. Berg tried valiantly to intimidate the beast by yelling “Bear! Bear!” like a little schoolgirl that wet her frilly pink panties.

His second in command, Sam Gottsegen of Denver (also 17), employed a different survival tactic: he ran for his young stupid life. Unfortunately, bears can run faster than most non-black people and so Gottsegen was quickly brought down by the furry killing-machine.

Shane Garlock, the unhurt member of the group who did absolutely nothing to help his friends as they were being mauled, recalls the horrific ordeal vividly. He tells the Associated Press that he can still hear the screams:

The screaming that I could hear from my friends and the growls from the bear, which were loud and deep, and the screams, which were hopeless screaming, and I can still hear it in my head.

Of course, that could be bullshit. What else is that kid gonna say—that every night he thanks his lucky stars that he didn’t fancy himself the Jeff Corwin of the group and decided to hang towards the back, hence sparing himself the knowledge of what it’s like to be a salmon?

But, no matter how retarded these kids are, we really should place blame on their parents for allowing them to go off to the Alaskan wilderness to play with killers instead of just telling them to watch Survivor on CBS and to like, I don’t know, date girls?

Popularity: 8%

A study published in the Journal of Wildlife Management reveals that fatal black bear attacks on humans have been on the rise since 1960 and have nothing to do with mama bears protecting their cubs from careless hikers as bleeding heart animal sympathizers would have you believe.

The truth is that 92 percent of deadly bear attacks were carried out by predatory lone males looking to feed on innocent, picnic-loving humans.

The study states:

Lone male black bears hunting people as a potential source of food are a greater cause of deadly maulings and related predatory attempts.

Popularity: 10%

Wildlife authorities handed out a death sentence to a 400-lbs. female grizzly bear after DNA evidence linked her to the murder of Kevin Kammer, a 48-year-old Michigan man taken while he slept at the Soda Butte Campground near Yellowstone National Park on Wednesday at 2 a.m. The grizzly was also found guilty of mauling 21-year-old Ronald Singer on the leg and Deb Freele on the arm. They too were sleeping in their tents.

Freele tells the Associated Press:

If it was something that I had done — if I had walked into a female with cubs and startled her, and she attacked me — I can understand that. She was hunting us, with the intention of killing us and eating us.

Fish, Wildlife and Parks Warden Capt. Sam Sheppard stated that the campers had done everything “right” in regards of locking away food in metal canisters. It was also noted that the grizzly displayed no signs of illness or starvation that would explain its rampage.

The grizzly’s three cubs will do time at a ZooMontana in Billings.

Popularity: 38%

Minister Rick Oliver has not slept well since he pissed God off and got struck by lightning in 2006. As a result, the 51-year-old man-of-faith often gets through the restless nights toiling around his 17-acre farm near Raleigh, N.C.

At 2 a.m. on June 3, Oliver was working on his Chevy Malibu when he heard noise and foolishly decided to investigate. A young black bear struck him to the ground with a single blow.

I heard this strange huffing and the next thing I know, I had been run over and stepped on by a bear.

According to Oliver, he bled like a “hose” from a particularly deep cut to his wrist, one that doctors could not immediately sew up. The bear was not caught and remains at large.

Oliver blames leftovers “from lunch in a bag up on the top step” as the most likely reason for the bear to have found its way to his home. But, we all know he probably just pissed God off again.

Popularity: 20%

The good folks in West Milford, New Jersey almost missed out on celebrating our country’s independence yesterday thanks to one of nature’s most dangerous killing machines: a mama bear.

The female bruin had already attacked two people before it ambushed a hiker and his dog on June 24 in Norvin Green State Park. Fortunately, only the dog was injured during the attack and the man was able to run away.

Wildlife officials closed off the park and postponed the town’s fireworks display while they hunted the 188 lbs. beast.

The bear was finally caught on the evening of July 1st as it broke into a chicken coop at a house in West Milford. It was then discovered that she had three 6-month old cubs.

Department of Environmental Protection spokesman Lawrence Ragonese said:

We had two previous aggressive incidents with this bear, and when it was caught it was being aggressive again. It was euthanized.

Fourth of July festivities were allowed to proceed as scheduled much to the delight of the good people of West Milford.

Of course, I worry for those good people. The failure to execute the bruin’s baby cubs means they will grow into killers hellbent on avenging their dead mother.

Popularity: 34%

If you’re like most people, you probably think these pictures are adorable. The image of a cute and cuddly baby polar bear playfully chomping at an adult human’s leg will most likely make you smile and coo. Why? Because you’re an idiot. The behavior that little baby polar bear is displaying is an act of aggression fueled by an instinct to kill humans.

Sure, it may look harmless now—but what happens when that cub grows big enough to rip your limbs off? Will it still be cute then? Is the following clip adorable?

Stay alert, people. Stay informed. Baby animals want to kill you just as much as adult animals.

Popularity: 19%