Florida teen Kendrick Williams credits his baggy pants for saving his life from a vicious alligator attack earlier this week. The 17-year-old was walking home from work Monday evening when a seven-foot gator snapped at his leg.

Williams tells ABC Action News:

I heard the hiss, and then I looked down and I seen the alligator on the ground. I ran. I didn’t look back.

The gator’s teeth ripped into the fabric of Williams’ over-sized pants, allowing him to flee without so much as a scratch.

The boy’s mother Tanita Murray said:

That was the advantage of wearing baggy pants that day. It’s dangerous. If a toddler had been standing there, it (the alligator) would have bit his neck or head.

Indeed, it was lucky that Williams sags his pants. Now, he can die in a drive-by like a normal black boy his age.

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What we have here is another bloody example of people failing to understand that animals just don’t like us. While this young white woman (in the video, not above pic) and her wonderfully jiggly rack could be scoring free Margaritas at the local bar, she has instead opted to face-off (no pun intended) with an alligator while visiting an alligator wrestling school in Colorado.

See what happens:

Fortunately, only the woman’s face is torn during the attack. Her succulent breasts remained unharmed. I’m no doctor, but losing her ta-tas would have meant a lifetime of buying her own drinks.

Remember, folks, when vacationing, just stick to amusement parks and museums. If you’re out of the country, just go shopping—buy some pottery or gum from a brown person’s emaciated child.

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What is the sound of one hand clapping? Tampa, Florida resident Joseph Cannistra almost found out when a five-foot gator ambushed him outside his Land O’ Lakes home. The 38-year-old expectant father and his girlfriend Tamara Smith had just returned from their coed baby shower, when the couple’s 2 1/2-year-old pitbull mix Zeus ran outside their home and into the backyard. It was past midnight so a concerned Cannistra foolishly stepped outside to retrieve his pet, clueless to the fact that his dog was setting him up.

Cannistra told the St. Petersburg Times:

I was clapping my hands. The second time I clapped, I couldn’t take my hands apart. The next thing I know, I was getting chomped. If it was someone with dandy hands, they would have been in trouble.

The attack injured several fingers on Cannistra’s left hand and took skin off his right. He received 34 stitches and bucket-loads of pain killers.

While it is possible that God is punishing Cannistra for living in sin with his knocked up girlfriend, chances are that residing in a home next to a large nature preserve was a disaster waiting to happen. No word yet on whether the couple is aware of Zeus’ role in the crime.

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