Seven teens who were part of a wilderness survival course near Denali National Park in Alaska proved that—despite all their fancy book learning and Animal Planet marathon watching—they were not smarter than the average bear.

The boys were walking down by a creek when a female grizzly ambushed them, first striking the group’s fearless leader Joshua Berg, a 17-year-old New Yorker. Berg tried valiantly to intimidate the beast by yelling “Bear! Bear!” like a little schoolgirl that wet her frilly pink panties.

His second in command, Sam Gottsegen of Denver (also 17), employed a different survival tactic: he ran for his young stupid life. Unfortunately, bears can run faster than most non-black people and so Gottsegen was quickly brought down by the furry killing-machine.

Shane Garlock, the unhurt member of the group who did absolutely nothing to help his friends as they were being mauled, recalls the horrific ordeal vividly. He tells the Associated Press that he can still hear the screams:

The screaming that I could hear from my friends and the growls from the bear, which were loud and deep, and the screams, which were hopeless screaming, and I can still hear it in my head.

Of course, that could be bullshit. What else is that kid gonna say—that every night he thanks his lucky stars that he didn’t fancy himself the Jeff Corwin of the group and decided to hang towards the back, hence sparing himself the knowledge of what it’s like to be a salmon?

But, no matter how retarded these kids are, we really should place blame on their parents for allowing them to go off to the Alaskan wilderness to play with killers instead of just telling them to watch Survivor on CBS and to like, I don’t know, date girls?

While surfing the net for deals on ammo and interracial pornography, I came upon a YouTube video that just pissed me off. The clip is from an old Australian Geographic documentary called Shadow of the Shark and features shark “expert” Valerie Taylor hand feeding and PETTING a great white shark.

Taylor says in the video that she feels she has an understanding with the great white. It reminds me of ass-hat Timothy Treadwell whose understanding of grizzlys got him eaten by a bear he had named Mr. Chocolate, which coincidentally was also the name of the African-American gentleman in the porn I downloaded.

Take a look at this quack:

A Chicago man was run over and killed on the Tri-State Tollway after attempting to aid a family of very cute and fuzzy ducklings cross the busy interstate. He was hit by a limousine.

The man, identified as 38-year-old Naperville resident Edward Gardner, was driving with a female companion when he spotted the adorable little quackers and figured he could lockdown some anal by rescuing them (At least, I hope that was the reason).

Gardner was rushed to the Advocate Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge where he was pronounced dead and most likely laughed at.

A study published in the Journal of Wildlife Management reveals that fatal black bear attacks on humans have been on the rise since 1960 and have nothing to do with mama bears protecting their cubs from careless hikers as bleeding heart animal sympathizers would have you believe.

The truth is that 92 percent of deadly bear attacks were carried out by predatory lone males looking to feed on innocent, picnic-loving humans.

The study states:

Lone male black bears hunting people as a potential source of food are a greater cause of deadly maulings and related predatory attempts.

An Ohio man harassed by a K-9 officer was arrested when he barked back at the police pooch. According to the dog’s handler Officer Bradley Walker, Ryan Stephens was standing two-inches away from his police car’s rear window barking and hissing at his partner Timber.

In his defense, Stephens told Officer Walker that:

He [Timber] started it. He was harassing me.

Stephens is now set to appear in municipal court on a misdemeanor citation of willfully teasing a police K-9 officer on April 21. Personally, this sounds like a trumped up charge. But, like they say, there’s nothing worse than a dog with a badge.

GoDaddy.com CEO Bob Parsons has been getting a lot of grief from animal sympathizers over his recent elephant hunting expedition in the African  shithole country of Zimbabwe. A bull elephant responsible for destroying farmers’ crops was shot and killed by Parsons, who then posted video of his philanthropy online.

“America’s Got Talent” cohost Piers Morgan took time off from judging fire breathers and sword swallowers to attack Parsons for his actions. Parsons, however, does a great job of standing up to the self righteous wanker.

We applaud Mr. Parsons and hope he continues to slaughter those dumbos. As we reported before, studies have shown that elephants are quite capable of hatching evil plans against humans.

Check out the “interview”:

Giovani, a 6-year-old African tortoise, set fire to his owner’s third-floor New York City apartment. Authorities report that one firefighter and three police officers suffered from smoke inhalation while responding to the blaze.

Giovani executed the arson by knocking over his terrarium’s heat lamp while making his escape. The heat lamp broke when it hit the floor, igniting a pile of art supplies including thinner and paint. Fortunately, the fire only claimed the lives of Giovani and another turtle in a water tank.

Florida teen Kendrick Williams credits his baggy pants for saving his life from a vicious alligator attack earlier this week. The 17-year-old was walking home from work Monday evening when a seven-foot gator snapped at his leg.

Williams tells ABC Action News:

I heard the hiss, and then I looked down and I seen the alligator on the ground. I ran. I didn’t look back.

The gator’s teeth ripped into the fabric of Williams’ over-sized pants, allowing him to flee without so much as a scratch.

The boy’s mother Tanita Murray said:

That was the advantage of wearing baggy pants that day. It’s dangerous. If a toddler had been standing there, it (the alligator) would have bit his neck or head.

Indeed, it was lucky that Williams sags his pants. Now, he can die in a drive-by like a normal black boy his age.

A fat Mexican was bitten by a baby bull shark he caught while crossing  the Rio Grande to get into Texas. OK, I made that last part up. You can thank me for the idea later, U.S. Border Patrol.

I’m kidding, of course. I’d rather live in a state overrun by Tejano music and street soccer than to see any human hurt by an animal.

Take a look at the vid:

A five-year-old Pit Bull and German Shepherd mix mauled an 18-month old baby girl this week in Palm Beach, Florida when she got too close to its food bowl. The girl was rushed to the Delray Medical Center to be treated for a collapsed lung and broken ribs.

The attack marks the second time the dog had attacked a human and proves that the girl’s parents hate her deeply. Why else would they expose their baby to a vicious killer? In an effort to avoid child endangerment charges, the dog owners have agreed to euthanize the animal.

Nearly five million people are bitten by dogs every year. If you’re a parent who despises their child, please do the humane thing and toss it in a dumpster where someone will eventually hear its cries and take it to an orphanage.