If you grew up on Saturday morning cartoons, you probably think of Saint Bernards as heroic canines willing to risk intense weather conditions to bring bourbon to avalanche victims while they wait for rescue to arrive. But, the media lies.

Saint Bernards are not saints and are, in fact, opportunistic sex offenders. This cute British woman found that out the hard (very hard) way.

Witness & learn:

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Cathy Hayes, 49, and her brother-in-law Donald, 61, were the victims of a bison attack this week while visiting Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming. Cathy, a Utah school teacher, captured the vicious hate crime on video.

Take a look:

According to Cathy, her brother-in-law, a California native, had never seen a bison and was eager to get a closer look at the animal as it walked across a parking lot. Cathy claims a second group of tourists threw something at the massive beast, sending it into a rage.

I could hear him over me stomping and snorting and I just knew. I knew at that second that was it. You know, I thought, “This is going to be my last moment. It’s going to be in Yellowstone Park getting tromped by a buffalo.

Cathy survived the attack with large bruises and cuts. Donald broke his shoulder tripping over his own feet while attempting to run away. Cathy’s husband Jeff was unharmed as he had the smarts to stay seated inside their automobile safely. His heroic horn-honking saved the day as it spooked the bison.

The animal assailant remains at large.

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What is wrong with today’s parents? Not only do they allow their attractive, scantily-clad, sexually-blossoming teen daughters to have unmonitored access to the web where any old creepy internet troll (present blogger and site visitors excluded of course) can leer at their YouTube videos, but—more alarmingly—continue to give them pets!

Bringing animals into the home is dangerous, even if they are babies. Every year there are thousands of cases where people are attacked by pets they believed were “part of the family.” Believe me, that cute puppy will grow to hate you and will one day try to kill you.

The warning signs are there. Just look:

Why do I get a feeling that these girls are just a peanut butter jar away from making an entirely different kind of video?

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What we have here is another bloody example of people failing to understand that animals just don’t like us. While this young white woman (in the video, not above pic) and her wonderfully jiggly rack could be scoring free Margaritas at the local bar, she has instead opted to face-off (no pun intended) with an alligator while visiting an alligator wrestling school in Colorado.

See what happens:

Fortunately, only the woman’s face is torn during the attack. Her succulent breasts remained unharmed. I’m no doctor, but losing her ta-tas would have meant a lifetime of buying her own drinks.

Remember, folks, when vacationing, just stick to amusement parks and museums. If you’re out of the country, just go shopping—buy some pottery or gum from a brown person’s emaciated child.

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Minister Rick Oliver has not slept well since he pissed God off and got struck by lightning in 2006. As a result, the 51-year-old man-of-faith often gets through the restless nights toiling around his 17-acre farm near Raleigh, N.C.

At 2 a.m. on June 3, Oliver was working on his Chevy Malibu when he heard noise and foolishly decided to investigate. A young black bear struck him to the ground with a single blow.

I heard this strange huffing and the next thing I know, I had been run over and stepped on by a bear.

According to Oliver, he bled like a “hose” from a particularly deep cut to his wrist, one that doctors could not immediately sew up. The bear was not caught and remains at large.

Oliver blames leftovers “from lunch in a bag up on the top step” as the most likely reason for the bear to have found its way to his home. But, we all know he probably just pissed God off again.

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The good folks in West Milford, New Jersey almost missed out on celebrating our country’s independence yesterday thanks to one of nature’s most dangerous killing machines: a mama bear.

The female bruin had already attacked two people before it ambushed a hiker and his dog on June 24 in Norvin Green State Park. Fortunately, only the dog was injured during the attack and the man was able to run away.

Wildlife officials closed off the park and postponed the town’s fireworks display while they hunted the 188 lbs. beast.

The bear was finally caught on the evening of July 1st as it broke into a chicken coop at a house in West Milford. It was then discovered that she had three 6-month old cubs.

Department of Environmental Protection spokesman Lawrence Ragonese said:

We had two previous aggressive incidents with this bear, and when it was caught it was being aggressive again. It was euthanized.

Fourth of July festivities were allowed to proceed as scheduled much to the delight of the good people of West Milford.

Of course, I worry for those good people. The failure to execute the bruin’s baby cubs means they will grow into killers hellbent on avenging their dead mother.

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Those of you visiting this site for the first time may notice that it’s been over a month since a new update was posted. You may think that means this blog is dead. Well, unfortunately for me, you’re wrong.

You see, I had hoped to retire AnimalsHateUs and spend the rest of my days watching HBO and surfing the net for interracial porn. But, as it turns out, my work here is far from done.

I came to this realization when animal sympathizer and Godless heathen Lana V. went on to display vulgar amounts of ignorance in the comments section of an older post.

She writes:

What kind of a moron created this website? Not only animals, mate, people hate you as well! As for bible, who gives a damn what that ridiculous book say? They just want your money! The fact that humans have an opposable thumb  does not give them rights to rule this planet!

Despite my efforts to warn people about the threat that all animals present to us every day we go on trying to share this earth with them, they remain unconvinced. Every day, someone adopts a dog or a cat that will one day maul or scratch to death their children or rape their grandma.

Every time I go to Target to buy underwear and milk, some asshole asks me if I will donate to “Save the Whales.” No thanks. How about saving a Sea World trainer from foolishly risking his or her life to teach an orca to juggle?

The truth is that you people still need me.

As long as their are people like Lana V. around spreading misinformation and dangerous propaganda about animals, I will keep this site up to support victims of animal-on-man hate crimes and to remind all you idiots that animals hate us and want to kill us!

In other words, read us if you want to live.

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Someone should have told Spanish matador Julio Aparicio that if you mess with the bull you get the horns.

The beloved bullfighter was gored through the throat while simply trying to entertain families during the Festival of Saint Isidro at the Plaza de Toros las Ventas in Madrid last week. Nearly 24,000 people witnessed in horror as a 1168 lb. bull ruined the festivities in a brutal display of calculated retribution.

One of Aparicio’s medics described the injury to Madrid’s AFP News:

The horn went though the tongue and penetrated the roof of the mouth, fracturing the jawbone.

The bull was rightfully put down for his crime.

Aparicio, who has since undergone surgeries to reconstruct his throat, mouth, and palate, returned this morning to intensive care due to infection.

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Jesse Browning may be a star on the History Channel’s “Ax Men” reality show, but he sure as fuck isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. The famous logger’s love for dangerous dogs has delivered a fatal blow to his family.

Browning lost his 4-year-old stepdaughter on Feb. 28 when she was mauled to death by his pet rottweiler Cornelia, a 3-year-old, 80-pound female, at their home in Astoria, Oregon.

Criminal charges were not filed against Browning, but Cornelia and a 17-month-old, 104-pound rottie named Junior were euthanized following a three week investigation.

Clatsop County Sheriff Tom Bergin said:

We couldn’t absolutely say [Junior] hadn’t been involved, so for the family and local rules and state rules everybody just figured that would be the best thing [safetywise] to do, so both were put down.

This isn’t the first time one of Brownings dogs has attacked someone. Four months ago, another of his rottweilers attacked a family member and was also put down. Time to get a cat, genius.

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Fishermen Steve McEwan, 50, and Craig Adams, 45, were nearly tossed into the St. Mary river at the Shady Camp barrage during a fishing expedition in the Northern Territory when a 13-foot salt water croc nearly jumped inside their boat while attempting to steal Adam’s 2-foot barramundi catch (See picture above).

Croc with barramundi bass

The Territory river is known for being home to the largest concentration of crocodiles, approximately 523 (as of 2007). Last year an 11-year-old girl was gobbled up by a saltie as she swam in the river with friends. Despite warnings,  tourists continue to swim and fish in the river.

Croc bait at Shady Camp barrage.

To read about more stupid tourists and Aussie crocs, go here.

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