Seven teens who were part of a wilderness survival course near Denali National Park in Alaska proved that—despite all their fancy book learning and Animal Planet marathon watching—they were not smarter than the average bear.

The boys were walking down by a creek when a female grizzly ambushed them, first striking the group’s fearless leader Joshua Berg, a 17-year-old New Yorker. Berg tried valiantly to intimidate the beast by yelling “Bear! Bear!” like a little schoolgirl that wet her frilly pink panties.

His second in command, Sam Gottsegen of Denver (also 17), employed a different survival tactic: he ran for his young stupid life. Unfortunately, bears can run faster than most non-black people and so Gottsegen was quickly brought down by the furry killing-machine.

Shane Garlock, the unhurt member of the group who did absolutely nothing to help his friends as they were being mauled, recalls the horrific ordeal vividly. He tells the Associated Press that he can still hear the screams:

The screaming that I could hear from my friends and the growls from the bear, which were loud and deep, and the screams, which were hopeless screaming, and I can still hear it in my head.

Of course, that could be bullshit. What else is that kid gonna say—that every night he thanks his lucky stars that he didn’t fancy himself the Jeff Corwin of the group and decided to hang towards the back, hence sparing himself the knowledge of what it’s like to be a salmon?

But, no matter how retarded these kids are, we really should place blame on their parents for allowing them to go off to the Alaskan wilderness to play with killers instead of just telling them to watch Survivor on CBS and to like, I don’t know, date girls?

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