Jan 292010

kelis

Animals Hate Us would like to salute recording artist Kelis for standing up to the enemy conspirators at PETA. When the organization’s founder Ingrid Newkirk  fired off a letter to Kelis demanding that she stop wearing fur, the fiery pop star lashed back with a statement on her MySpace blog.

Kelis writes:

If I started wearing endangered animals like polar bear or orangutan then talk to me. (Which btw for the record I would not – I do believe in the preservation of endangered species) But the minks and chinchilla that quite honestly are rodents and if weren’t in the form of a coat I would demand they be put to death anyway are not an issue to me.

Underpaid minorities picking your vegetables, now that’s fine for you right? Please, fight for their rights. How about the poverty in the communities of brown people around the world. She had the nerve to say (and I quote) “get over it” talking of the issue of black people and slavery in this country verses cows being slaughtered… Actually, she’s lucky most black people have real issues to worry about in the U.S and don’t give a crap what her delusional privileged opinions are.

If u want to preach do it about something worthwhile don’t waste my time trying to save the dang chipmunk.

Bravo, Kelis. Remember, folks, the only good animals are on your grill or draped over your body.

Popularity: 16%

Jan 122010

elephantsex

I am not an animal sympathizer, but what male has not experienced this in their life? And, you know how elephants are with memory. That bitch is never gonna let him forget about this.

That said, this is another example as to why parents should never allow their kids to visit the zoo.

Popularity: 35%

Jan 122010

iguana

Florida has long been plagued by feral iguanas, the aftermath to an exotic pet boom that brought the scaly rascals to the state a long time ago. Abandoned and/or escaped iguanas have grown in numbers over the years and are responsible for the destruction of plant life and the spread of disease.

A statement from the University of Florida reads:

Damage caused by iguanas includes eating valuable landscape plants, shrubs, and trees, eating orchids and many other flowers, eating dooryard fruit like berries, figs, mangos, tomatoes, bananas, lychees, etc.

Burrows that they dig undermine sidewalks, seawalls, and foundations. Burrows of iguanas next to seawalls allow erosion and eventual collapse of those seawalls.

Droppings of iguanas litter areas where they bask. This is unsightly, causes odor complaints, and is a possible source of salmonella bacteria, a common cause of food poisoning.

Adult iguanas are large powerful animals that can bite, cause severe scratch wounds with their extremely sharp claws, and deliver a painful slap with their powerful tail.

But, now, there is a new hope for  South Florida residents. The region’s record-low temperatures are forcing the lizards into a hibernation stage and causing them to fall from the trees where they normally perch. When the temperature drop below 40 degrees, the iguanas’ body completely shuts down.

Don’t miss your chance to be free of these destructive critters, South Florida. Collect and kill these bastards. Then have them made into nice belts for your grand folks at the retirement home. They can use them to look stylish during bingo or to hang themselves because they know you don’t love them anymore.

Popularity: 24%

Jan 102010

monkeys

The Indian city of Patiala is looking to build a rehabilitation facility to teach “good manners” and provide health care to the roving band of monkeys that terrorizes its streets daily. These antisocial simians are known to chase, attack, and even rob people of their belongings. There are currently over 16,000 monkeys living in Patiala.

Divisional Forest Offices representative Jasmer Singh says the facility will:

… teach the monkeys to be decent and live socially with other monkeys.

OK … but, next you know, they’ll want to vote, get legally married, and sit in the front of the bus.

Popularity: 21%

Jan 082010

Enemy conspirators Stephen Fry and zoologist Mark Carwardine recently traveled to New Zealand in search of an endangered, flightless parrot known as the Kakapo. But, rather than killing the bird and serving him up with a side of veggies and mash potatoes, the men simply aimed to document the rare parrot for the world to experience and appreciate.

What the world experienced, however, was a cold dose of reality as the Kakapo proceeded to brutally rape Carwardine’s head.

The Kakapo’s ‘O’ face is pretty scary. Can you imagine the vulgar things it would have said to Carwardine if it could speak like other parrots?

Popularity: 26%

Jan 072010

Every year, thousands of parents allow school teachers to take their children to aquariums to be brainwashed with propaganda about the wonders of ocean life. They will be mislead to believe that whales must be saved, that dolphins are as smart as humans, and that it is wrong to chop off a shark’s fins to make soup to enhance the libidos of Japanese men.

They will also be exposed to perverted animal behavior. Take a look at this walrus as it sucks itself shamelessly:

Parents, i beseech you to think twice before signing that field trip slip. Otherwise, you may one day walk in on your son blowing himself like there’s no tomorrow … unless he’s Japanese (they’re hung like gnats).

Popularity: 48%

Jan 072010

tigerattack

A lot of people will put blame on their fellow man for the vicious hate crimes that you see on this site and the news. People will say ridiculous things like “that woman shouldn’t have gone swimming in that croc-infested river,” or “that man shouldn’t have stuck his hand in that tiger’s cage to get a better picture for his kids.” I say why the fuck not? It’s our fucking planet. We have dominion over the animals. It says so in the bible.

The man in the following clip was only trying to photograph a tiger at the zoo for his kids. Many will wonder why he didn’t use the zoom function on his camera, but it is obvious to me that the man lives in India or some similar God forgotten country in which the Sony Cybershot has not been introduced to the retail market. Needless to say, the tiger rips the man’s arm off and—in a blatant show of animosity and disrespect—proceeds to eat it in front of the family.

The man is not only rendered armless, but is also scalped while being pulled against the bars. Take a look:

It’s common for victims of crimes to blame themselves for the horrors that befall them. But, what we must remember is that the animals are at war with us. They want us to blame each other for their acts of hate. But, don’t do it. Stay united. Don’t blame the guy who wants to jump into a zoo enclosure. Blame the animal that doesn’t know its place.

Popularity: 37%

Jan 072010

Enemy conspirators like PETA would have you believe that dogs are man’s best friends. But, would your best friend attempt to rape your grandmother? Even my worst buddies wouldn’t do such a horrendous thing. Hell, my friends won’t even open my fridge without asking for permission, let alone pound my granny.

The media loves to show dogs in a positive light—guiding the blind, catching a Frisbee, pulling a sled through an arctic blizzard. But, dog rape is something everyone keeps hidden in the closet. Don’t be a victim. If you must own a dog, chop its nuts off and beat it with a newspaper three times a day to keep it subdued.

Popularity: 25%

Jan 072010

polar_bear_attack_2

If you’re like most people, you probably think these pictures are adorable. The image of a cute and cuddly baby polar bear playfully chomping at an adult human’s leg will most likely make you smile and coo. Why? Because you’re an idiot. The behavior that little baby polar bear is displaying is an act of aggression fueled by an instinct to kill humans.

Sure, it may look harmless now—but what happens when that cub grows big enough to rip your limbs off? Will it still be cute then? Is the following clip adorable?

Stay alert, people. Stay informed. Baby animals want to kill you just as much as adult animals.

Popularity: 25%

Jan 072010

dogthreat

Hello, Friends!

Animals Hate Us is back! I apologize for the lack of updates over the holidays. I was on safari doing my part to keep the animal population down. I can only pray that you or your loved ones did not come under attack while I was gone. I do realize the importance of this site in keeping you updated on the battle between man and beast, and providing you with enough frightening examples of animal-on-human crimes to ensure you keep your guard up at all times. It is a responsibility I do not take lightly.

So, that said, let’s get back to business!

Popularity: 36%