This gamekeeper at Murchison Falls National Park in Uganda meant no harm to the 3 ton hippo that grazed on the grass nearby. In fact, the unassuming lad attempted to walked discreetly past the animal. But, unlike what the folks at Milton Bradley would have you believe, this hungry hippo was in no mood to play nice. The behemoth immediately gave chase.

Despite their enormous size, hippos can easily outrun humans and are one of the world’s most aggressive creatures. A hippo’s jaws can bite a crocodile in half.

Hippo attacks on humans and boats are common. If this man had not been black, he most likely would not have escaped the jaws of death.

Popularity: 60%

Twilight star Christian Serratos is the latest misguided Hollywood actress to go nude for PETA’s ongoing “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign. Now, I enjoy masturbating looking at the 19-year-old’s tush as much as the next guy, but I fear her naivete is going to cause  many of her young  fans to catch a cold or, at least, a very bad chill.

Animal fur keeps our bodies warm and our circulation pumping. During extreme weather conditions, an animal’s thick coat can save a person from getting hypothermia. In fact, that’s how Han Solo rescued Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back–by slitting open a Tauntaun and taking refuge inside of it.

I respect Serratos for encouraging young girls to get naked for any stupid reason, but I can’t support her belief that animals should be spared from their duty to feed and clothe us. And, let’s not forget, animals hate us and want to kill us. It may be fashionable to say “I’d rather go naked than wear fur,” but I would ask Serratos and her Hollywood ilk: would you rather go faceless than wear fur?

"I'd rather have a face."

Charla Nash (pictured above) had her face and hands ripped off by a chimp that her friend and boss kept as a family pet. It seems that the cuter the animal is the more people fail to see its killer instinct.  Celebrities like Serrantos and glamor model Keeley Hazell would have you believe that furry animals are victims of our vanity. But, that’s not the case. Today, it’s a chimp attack. Tomorrow, it could very well be a baby seal or a white fox that gnaws someone’s head off.

Misinformed Model

Would you be comfortable in your own skin if you were missing your head? Animals are not your friends. They are, however, delicious when cooked and cozy when worn.

This “Today Show” clip takes an in-depth look at the chimp that mauled Nash. This monkey knew what he was doing. Watch and learn:

Popularity: 81%

What is the sound of one hand clapping? Tampa, Florida resident Joseph Cannistra almost found out when a five-foot gator ambushed him outside his Land O’ Lakes home. The 38-year-old expectant father and his girlfriend Tamara Smith had just returned from their coed baby shower, when the couple’s 2 1/2-year-old pitbull mix Zeus ran outside their home and into the backyard. It was past midnight so a concerned Cannistra foolishly stepped outside to retrieve his pet, clueless to the fact that his dog was setting him up.

Cannistra told the St. Petersburg Times:

I was clapping my hands. The second time I clapped, I couldn’t take my hands apart. The next thing I know, I was getting chomped. If it was someone with dandy hands, they would have been in trouble.

The attack injured several fingers on Cannistra’s left hand and took skin off his right. He received 34 stitches and bucket-loads of pain killers.

While it is possible that God is punishing Cannistra for living in sin with his knocked up girlfriend, chances are that residing in a home next to a large nature preserve was a disaster waiting to happen. No word yet on whether the couple is aware of Zeus’ role in the crime.

Popularity: 34%

The folks at Asylum have got a great interview with Oregon journalist Paul Linnman, the man who would 40 years later inadvertently give web surfers the fifth most viewed viral video of all time. The clip dates back to 1970. Linnman was working as a field reporter for ABC affiliate KATU Channel 2 in Portland when he was assigned to cover the Oregon Transportion Department’s removal of a 45-foot sperm whale carcass off a beach in Florence … with dynamite.

Linnman tells Asylum:

We’re hearing this noise around us and we realize it is pieces of whale blubber hitting the ground around us (from) 1,000 yards away. A piece of blubber the size of a fingernail could kill you if it hit you in the right part of the head, so we ran away from the blast scene, down the dune and toward the parking lot. Then we heard a second explosion ahead of us, and we just kept going until we saw what it was: A car had been hit by this coffee-table-size piece of blubber and had its windows flattened all the way down to the seats.

The clip’s continued popularity has allowed for Linnman to write a book , The Exploding Whale and Other Remarkable Stories From the Evening News.

Popularity: 20%

Sometimes, animals don’t want to kill you. They just want to embarrass your fat ass in front of many strangers.

Popularity: 33%